I've really been wanting to post for a while, but have had a hard time knowing what to write about. It was so significant to me to read my mom's journals, so that post seemed so huge that I couldn't really think of anything worth writing about since then. I decided it's better to write about not much than not write at all.
Josh and I have been back in Kentucky for a couple weeks now, back to work and school. It's amazing how different our lives feel. I struggled at first going to work and acting "normal" around everyone -- since I felt anything but normal. I confess, I half expected most people to treat me differently -- that is, treat me really kindly -- because here I am, a pregnant girl whose mom just died. I was nearly in tears when I took a snapshot of my mom to CVS to make a double of it and the photo-department woman was rather curt and unhelpful, going to charge me $10 to make a copy. I feel like saying "please me nice to me! I'm sad right now because my mom is gone!" The Lord has been good to guard my heart from falling into true self-pity. It's hard to totally know my own self, but I think I am mostly just grieving, and half wishing everyone else was grieving along with me.
So at first I struggled getting into a routine, but now I see how having a scheduled life, really is, as Jodi Ware says, "a gift from the Lord." It helps you to go forward and "do the next thing". I have never before lived through grief, and I certainly have never lost anyone close to me, so it is all a journey of learning a new normal: getting up in the morning and remembering that I lost my mom, having my family on my mind through out the day, praying for their souls, and my own, to be guarded from depressed or guilty thoughts, having waves of sadness wash over me when I see grandmothers with new babies (actually pretty common around here), or a really specific memory occurs to me. I feel like I have grown and changed so much in the past month, that I hardly feel the same, so making a new normal feels pretty abnormal.
But the truth is this: there is a sort of sweetness in knowing Christ NOW, in the midst of my pain, that I had never known before. It comes to me when I weep, or fall into deep contemplation -- the sweetness of sharing in "the fellowship of His suffering". Elisabeth Elliot says that it's not that Christ died so that we might suffer, but that because of his death, our sufferings have a purpose -- that we can share an intimate knowledge of Him in the fellowship of His suffering. I can honestly say that from my own experience, I do sense that Christ has drawn me into a closer relationship, making Him more dear to me than ever.
These days the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" has become my favorite: "Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided." I trust you, Lord, to provide new mercy and grace for each day.