Let's get real here: how many of us feel depressed sometimes? I so often put on a mask of cheerfulness while inside I am drowning in self-pity, envy and depression. I want to shriek at my circumstances and make them change. I am jealous of women who have what I want -- children, freedom to stay at home, an enjoyable job or money.
This has been me for the past few days. I had a meltdown last night, wishing I could make someone understand (how silly, right? But I'd wager you've been there, too). I cried and prayed and used the muscles of my mind to make me recall the things I am thankful for. The sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning! When I woke up, and throughout this day, several things dawned on me:
1. My time is not my own -- it is God's. I practically heard the Holy Spirit tell me that I was being selfish about my time. I am where He wants me. It is not my time that I feel like I'm wasting, it's God's. Have I been redeeming the time? C.J. Mahaney recommends that we talk to ourselves when we wake up in the morning, rather than let our minds whirl and think on random things which may discourage or embitter us. I brushed my teeth thinking about my day being God's time.
2. When I am "struggling" with something, that is sin. Mrs. Ware told me once that Elisabeth Elliot said that, and it has always stuck with her -- I can see why. How often do we say "I am just struggling with this!"? Why do we struggle? Clearly, because we lack faith in the One with Whom we struggle. I am painfully aware with how much I have been arm wrestling in my spirit.
3. I cannot control what other people think of me. I guess that is pretty simple.
My mind is so at rest now, thanks to some fresh insight. I was very encouraged today for several reasons:
~Josh prayed with me before I went to work, which calmed my spirit and prepared my mindset. He also sweetly forbid me to do the dishes for the rest of the summer, and made the bed as soon as we were both out of it.
~An acquaintance brought me a bag of Starbuck's Tanzania Roast coffee -- the new summer roast. A guy I work with and I made a pot into iced coffee, which is my new favorite summer drink, and I felt this little "summer vacation" feeling while I was working. :)
~I had a lovely lunch outside with my friend Rachel. She has been a dear friend to me here, and we are in cahoots with a plan to invite over every woman in our church (over a period of time). Today we planned our next ladies brunch.
There is such a relief in knowing that Jesus knows all our sorrows, and He is available to talk to every moment. He goes to work with me, and cleans my house with me, and lets me lean on His shoulder whenever I need to. I choose to fight for the joy of the Lord!