Thursday, January 08, 2009

Being Discontent

For years, my biggest sin struggle has been discontentment. Mentally, I could boil it down to mainly being discontent because I was not a mom, or had to work full time, or whatever (you know and I know that the problem is not my circumstances, but stick with me here). This sin would manifest itself in my comparing myself with others, jealousy and complaining (sometimes just inside). So, imagine my foolish heart thinking that NOW that I have a baby on the way, this sin would just evaporate! You are now all saying what I've realized myself: "Yeah, RIGHT!"

Now I have NEW things to compare, NEW things to be jealous over. It's the age-old sin, with new room to breathe and new problems to encounter. I can now compare myself to other pregnant women who weren't sick, yet gained hardly any weight during their first trimester (how do you puke your guts out and GAIN 10 pounds?), or those who are farther along in their pregnancy, or those looking forward to staying at home. The green monster rears his ugly head again, and I see that killing this sin will be a life-long battle. It is certainly not over just because my circumstances have changed.

The Lord graciously reminded me of how ungrateful I have been, and how quickly I can take His blessing for granted. Tuesday night I had a very vivid bad dream. In my dream I was crying out to God and asking Him to help me trust Him. When I woke up yesterday morning, I was so shaken by my dream, and relieved that it was not real, it drove me to my quiet time with Him, where He fed and comforted my soul with His Word. It's amazing how a different Psalm each day can reflect how you are feeling!

So I see that this sin I have let lie dormant is quite alive, and I need now to re-engage in the battle. What a mental battle it is! Oh Lord, You are my portion forever, may I delight in Your will.


sara's art house said...

Great post, Gret! I deal with that everyday. It is our nature- but GOD can help us and thanks for the reminder to be in the Word!

Anonymous said...

Oh how true. I tend to think I have left my old nature behind, until I get squeezed and see what comes out. At least I can recognize it now. Love you, Aunt Diane

jillybean said...

Gretchen, I know this isn't the point of your blog, but you look great! You don't look like you've gained a single pound. You just have a tiny little pooch around the midsection which is more than acceptable when you are HALFWAY THROUGH A PREGNANCY! I have a pooch on a good day without pregnancy! So, don't even let the devil play that card with you. I could say more, but I will refrain. :) Love you and don't want you to get discouraged by any comparisons. :)

Gretchen said...

Girls, thanks so much for your encouragement! Last night Josh and I just stayed home, ate dinner together, and enjoyed each other's company and the pool on campus! When we were winding down for the night, I just felt full to overflowing with the blessings we have here! God is so gracious to teach me contentment. :)

Jill -- thanks for your encouragement. It's so stupid to compare myself at all! You are so sweet.

Steph said...

How I can relate. I've been convicted of being happy with what I have and not always looking for the next thing.
It is hard and with a roller coaster of emotions (pregnancy is the beginning - but never fear! It seems that many women handle these new emotions MUCH better than I do! :)
Oh and if you ever want to feel better about your "weight gain" with the pregnancy - just go to my blog and see how I looked. Trust me, it will make you feel so much better! :)
I'm really glad you got a good report at your doctor and I'm working to get those jeans I promised you to your mom.

Heather said...

I can relate. It is an ugly monster that just eats away at your thoughts. When I started being discontent I have to stop for a minute and literally count my blessings and look forward to the blessings to come!
I miss you and am praying for you!